


more gravy than grave

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ballum Advent Calendar 2020 (EastEnders), Blood and Injury, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Getting Back Together, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Underage Relationship(s), Inspired by A Christmas Carol, M/M, Meet-Cute, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28189929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: It's Christmas Eve, and Ben has had it up toherewith the festivities. He just wants to go to bed, not think about this wretched holiday, and maybe allow himself to wallow in self pity a little while he's at it. Four strange visitations change all that, and might change him, too.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Johnny Carter/Ben Mitchell, Past:, Paul Coker/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 10
Kudos: 41





	more gravy than grave

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNINGS**  
> implied/referenced abuse - the canon storyline involving Luke is mentioned, though it occurs off-screen  
> alcoholism - Phil's substance abuse is mentioned multiple times  
> implied/referenced drug use - in once scene there is a brief description of someone taking illicit pills  
> implied/referenced underage relationship - in once scene, 13 year old Lexi is said to be in a romantic/sexual situation with an older man  
> blood and injury - blood is mentioned in one scene, though not graphically  
> PLEASE DO NOT READ IF ANY OF THESE THINGS ARE LIABLE TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE

There's a floral pattern plastered on his ceiling. Concentric roses scattered from wall to wall. Ben has never noticed these before. He stares at them, tracing the rounded petals with his eyes until they all start to blur together. He sighs and scrubs a hand across his face. From outside his window, he hears a group of people pass singing _Lonely This Christmas_ off-key, giggling, heel's clacking on the pavement. Ben sucks in his cheeks, bites down on them, then releases once they've passed. He hates this time of year, how it becomes socially acceptable to be roaming the streets in that state just because someone's stuck a tree up and chucked some lights on it.

He sighs and closes his eyes, hoping that he can just drift off to sleep, and by the time he opens them again, it'll be New Year and he'll not have to deal with the obnoxious festivities another moment more. He's already cancelled tomorrow, telling his mum not to set a place for him, and dropping off Lexi's presents in advance so he doesn't have to go round. He'll only end up in an argument with his dad, or with Martin, or with some other miscellaneous relative who only seems to make an appearance when there's food and presents around. He'll spoil the day for everyone, because that's what he does. That's _all_ he does.

He sighs again and rolls over to check the time on the clock by his bed, but when he opens his eyes, he's met with Jay's face alarmingly close to his. He screams and scrambles backwards out of bed, hitting the floor with a thump, and a suspicious crack. He shifts to see he's somehow landed on his glasses, and swears as he lifts up one half of them. He looks up and Jay is sat on the bed, laughing at him.

"You know you scream like a little girl," he mocks, wiping away tears. "Brilliant. Made my Christmas."

Ben fails to see the funny side. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demands, getting to his feet ungracefully. 

Jay tilts his head. "What, in you bed? In your flat? In this realm of existence?" His words are saturated with sarcasm.

Ben just stares at him, unimpressed. "My brother the comedian," he deadpans. "Try all of the above."

"Ah," Jay says rocking backwards, "Well, you see, I'm not actually here at all."

Ben frowns at him. "You what?" He looks around at his bedroom and sees nothing out of the ordinary aside from the now broken glasses on his nightstand. "Have I been smoking something?" he mutters.

"Nope. And you're not dreaming, either. Maybe I'm a bit of undigested beef." Jay replies, raising his eyebrows.

Ben turns back to look at him. "Have _you_ been smoking something?"

Jay laughs and shakes his head. "You must mend your ways, Benjamin," He says, deepening his voice and waving his arms around. His movement is slightly constricted by the fact that he's still in his work suit.

"Did I hit my head when I fell?" Ben asks, turning to look at the corner of his bedside table to try and work out if it's possible. "Ow!" He exclaims, as Jay hits him on the back of the head. "What was that for?"

"You're being a prat and I don't have much time," Jay answers, easily. "Listen," he says, and he takes hold of the sides of Ben's face for good measure. "You're about to have one hell of a night, alright? You're gonna be seeing all sorts. I'm the least of your worries. But listen," he shakes Ben's head lightly. "This is for your own good, alright? So just... I don't know, try not to be yourself. This'll only work if you stop acting like a muppet."

"Jay, mate, I am really not in the mood for all this, so if you could just get to the punchline-"

" _Jacob_ ," Jay corrects, raising his eyebrows. "This isn't a joke, and it's not a game either. This is serious. The choices you make tonight will change things forever."

Jay lets go of his face, and straightens out Ben's hair. He grins at him, then turns around. He walks right back out of the room as though nothing had ever happened except- Instead of walking out of the door, he walks _through_ it. Ben's eyes widen. He makes a mental note to book an appointment with the optician for the New Year, as well as getting his glasses fixed. He scrubs a hand over his face and shakes his head. He's going mad. They'll have him in a mental institute before the morning. 

He's just dreaming. He's got to be. It's the only explanation that makes sense. He's fast on after having an early night, and he'll wake up in the morning to see that this whole thing was just some really weird dream. The alternative is that he's just straight up seeing apparitions, and since Jay is very much alive, that can't be the case. He takes one last, sorrowful look at his broken glasses, before climbing back into bed. He's going to wake up, alone on Christmas morning and laugh at how ridiculous he's been.

He tosses his head back against the pillow and gives a sharp exhale. Things are just weird because he's at his own place on his own, and it's been a while. It's like noisy pipes, once he settles back down, he'll be fine, weird dreams all gone. He crawls his fingers across the mattress onto the other side of the bed just to feel that it's empty. Even in his dreams, he's alone.

He huffs and pulls his hand back to his side. He lays there, staring at the pattern on his ceiling which is illuminated from the glow of a street light through his window. He stares at it so long that his eyes start to lose focus . He hopes he wakes up soon, because this dream is starting to get really boring. He tries pinching his side, and frowns when it hurts. Okay, so it's a weirdly realistic dream. Fine, no matter. Hopefully that'll let him wake all the sooner.

As he stares at the ceiling, he notices on of the roses looks slightly different, a little misshapen, and squints at it, lifting his head of the pillow to try and see it better. As he does, it starts to come into focus, and he finds himself staring not at the mundane pattern of flowers, but at a face! A face he recognises! A face that seems to be coming closer to him, even though he's not moving. A face that's followed by a neck, shoulders, torso, and eventually legs.

"Hello," Pam says, casually, as though she's not hovering above Ben's head suspended from the ceiling. He screams and scrambles out of bed in an awful case of de ja vu. Pam chuckles as she rights herself mid-air, and settles onto the bed gracefully. "Yes, I'd heard you had a tendency to scream."

"Wha-" Ben begins, looking between Pam and the ceiling.

"Yes, it's all very exciting, isn't it!" Pam exclaims, clapping her hands together and bouncing on the bed. "I suspect Jay's already explained everything?"

Ben ignores her as he scrambles to his feet, looking up at the ceiling. He moves around, looking at it from different angles trying to understand what the hell he's just witnessed. Walking through doors is one thing - an optical illusion - but the _ceiling_? Ben really, really must be dreaming because there's literally no way that any of this could possibly be real - no way!

"Oh dear," Pam says gently, "You still don't understand, do you?"

"Understand what?" Ben demands, looking at her. "What's going on?"

Pam just tuts, shakes her head and checks her watch. She gasps when she looks at it. "Oof, so little time. Come on, else we'll be late!" She walks out through the door he same way Jay had. Ben stares after her with wide eyes, mouth hanging open in a caricature of shock. She pokes her shoulders back through and jerks her head. "Well come on then!"

Ben doesn't know what compels him to follow, whether its to try and get some answers finally about what's going on, or if he's just too shell shocked to do anything else. He walks up to the door and tentatively places a hand against it. When the hand passes through the wood, he snatches it back and cradles it to his chest, eyebrows bunching together. He looks around his bedroom which still looks completely normal, before turning back to the door. He tries again with his hand, this time letting it pass all the way through the door up to his elbow. He takes a deep breath to steady himself when he feels a hand grip his arm and drag him through. He yells, but when he gets to the other side it's just Pam, shaking her head at him. He pulls his arm back defensively, then follows after her.

They're in a side street somewhere, which might have come as some kind of shock given they'd come through his bedroom door, but Ben would've been more surprised if they _had_ ended up in his living room given everything else that has happened in his dream. The acrid smell of urine is pungent in the air, punctuated by brief relief as the scent of chips wafts by. It's dark and damp, and when Ben looks up, the sky is a dangerous grey. He speeds up a little as he follows Pam down the alley. When they come out at the end, Ben recognises Walford, the town where he grew up. Pam is already marching along down the road in the direction of what was Ben's childhood home, and he has no choice but to follow where she leads. He stops suddenly when he passes the chip shop and sees the letters in the window - _Roll On 2011!_

"But that's-"

"9 years ago," Pam finishes, nodding. "Lord, doesn't the time fly, ey." She checks her watch, "Speaking of, come on. Places to be."

Ben lingers a couple of seconds longer at the chippy window, before following Pam down the road. The reach his old house, and Ben freezes at the gate, staring up at the imposing brick building. He feels himself heat up, palms getting clammy, mouth going dry. He doesn't have many fond memories of this place, just many, many bad ones. He balls his hands into fists at his side. Pam touches his shoulder gently and he jerks his head to the side to look at her. She nods down the road beside them, and when Ben looks he gasps. Walking towards them with an open bag of chips is _him_.

"You're 14 years old," Pam tells him, as though he doesn't remember this exact moment vividly. "You're coming home on Christmas Eve from a date with a boy. He kissed you. Look at how happy you are."

She sounds almost wistful, but she's right, he _is_ happy, grinning down into his chips. Johnny Carter was the boy's name. He was tall, having just had a growth spurt, with a blonde quiff and kind eyes. He'd made Ben laugh, and gave him butterflies. He'd not asked him out on a 'date', just to hang out. And then they'd kissed. It had been Ben's first, entirely unexpected but not at all unwelcome. This version of Ben passes right by them, as though there's not an older version of himself loitering outside his back gate. 

"They can't see us," Pam explains. "We're not really here."

"It's a dream," Ben states.

"It's a memory," Pam counters, taking Ben by the arm and walking him inside. "Come on."

Ben holds his ground, pulling his arm out of Pam's grip. "If this is a memory then I already know what happens in there," Ben reasons. "I don't need to see it."

Pam stares at him, unimpressed, and shakes her head. "You never can do things the easy way, can you."

With that the scene around them changes. They're no longer stood outside the gate, but inside the living room as it was 9 years ago. Phil is sat in his armchair with a beer, and Jay is sat on the sofa next to him, a can of Coke instead of a Carling. Ben stares at his father, this younger version, and has to blink away the tears that start to appear in his eye. There's a commotion from the kitchen, and then the 14 year old version of himself appears through the door. He walks in and flops down on the sofa across from Jay, munching on the chips. Jay - also a younger version of himself, though he hasn't changed much at all - reaches over and snatches one.

"Oi," Ben admonishes, but there's no malice in it, and he grins. Jay grins back and Ben just shakes his head. His smile drops when he looks over at his dad who's frowning at him. He goes back to quietly eating the chips and watching TV.

Ben the older turns and sees what's on - the 6 o'clock news title screen plays, and then a generic woman appears on screen to read the headlines. Ben flinches and closes his eyes as she reads out the one Ben remembers most from this day - _Two gay men beat up outside a night club in Essex, one mildly injured, the other fighting for his life_. It hurts so much worse now, after everything, but not as much as what comes next.

"Deserved it," Phil mumbles into his beer. "Flouting it about like that." He growls in the back of his throat and downs the rest of the can.

Ben looks over at himself and sees him drop the chip, no longer hungry. "That's when you knew, isn't it?" Pam asks from beside him, placing a gentle hand on his back. "That's when you knew he'd never be okay with who you were." Ben bites the inside of his cheeks to try and stop himself from crying. "That's when you realised you'd always have to go the extra mile to win just an ounce of affection from him."

"What is this?" Ben demands, turning on her and frowning. "Why are you showing me this?"

"To understand," Pam answers. "To see why you became so desperate to earn that man's affections that you would destroy yourself in the process." She looks down at her watch again and pulls a face. "Come on, there's more to see."

She takes his hand and pulls him back out through the door. He manages one last glance at himself poking at the salt on the paper with a chip he won't eat before the image is gone. He remembers Johnny Carter coming up to him in the playground the next day and trying to hold his hand. He punched him in the stomach so hard he doubled over. _He was flouting it about_ , he justified later, when his father was called into the school office. He still remembers what it was like to kiss him, though. And sometimes he even remembers how happy he'd felt afterwards.

On the other side of the door is a hospital room, and the relative quiet is broken by the sound of screams. "I do not need to watch this again," Ben exclaims, turning away from where Lola is writhing on the bed, her hospital gown riding up and leaving nothing to the imagination. 

Pam chuckles. "The miracle of birth," she says, almost wistful. "And look at that, you there holding her hand, stepping up to the plate." She grabs his chin to force her to watch the scene unfold. "Shame that doesn't last."

With one last final push, the rest of Lexi's tiny body falls into the doctor's arms. Ben feels now just as he did then, that she's so small, so precious. He had never wanted to be a father, even while Lola was pregnant, but seeing this perfect little thing wrapped in blankets, gripping tightly on Ben's finger even as she was cradled against Lola's chest, it shifted something in him that he couldn't quite explain.

"You cried the first Christmas when Lola was in Newcastle and you didn't get to see her." Pam states. Ben just nods because it's true. Pam hums, "So you'll be making an appearance tomorrow then?"

Ben opens his mouth to defend himself and before he knows it the hospital room has been transformed into the garage. Ben looks around at the familiar space, the tools strewn across the floor, the oil stains everywhere, the dust on the drawers, car parts precariously balanced against various walls. Then he clocks the calendar on the wall - 2015. Ben sucks in a breath as a younger version of himself - about 19 with a dodgy haircut and terrible skin - rounds the corner stuffing a sandwich into his mouth as he goes to sit at the desk.

"All you ever do is eat," Pam teases with a wink, and despite everything, Ben smiles at her. "Ooh, I love this bit," she says, turning back to watch the garage entrance. Ben spares her a glance a moment longer before turning to look as well.

For a minute nothing happens, then a ball of energy rounds the corner, panting, looking slightly terrified. "Ah, mate, I'm sorry you're on your lunch break but I need a massive favour!" 

Paul. The Ben of the past looks up from the account he was writing up and frowns. The Ben of the present lets his mouth fall open. He closes it and has to swallow hard around the lump in his throat. He rubs his thumb along his finger where Paul's name once sat and has to look away. Paul is just as beautiful as he remembers, a halo of hair held back by a zig-zagged headband, tan skin and the kindest eyes Ben had ever seen. Pam takes his hand and he looks at her. She smiles at him before nodding back at the scene in front of them.

"Christmas eve, mate, we're closing early and I'm all booked for this afternoon," he shrugs. "Sorry."

"I know," Paul replies desperately. "I know but I won't live to see Christmas _day_ if you don't help me."

Ben remembers the immediate intrigue he'd felt at that, and it shows on his face, now. "Why? What's gonna happen."

"My grandad is gonna kill me if he sees the scratch on his car!" Paul explains, frantic.

"Ah," Ben mouths, taking another bite of his sandwich. "And you want me to spend my lunch hour buffing it out for you?" He asks around the mouthful of food.

Ben hears Pam huff beside him and he can't help but smile. "Please," Paul asks, shrugging up his shoulders and raising his eyebrows.

Ben had fallen in love with him then, as much as he'd tried to deny that to everyone, including himself. He'd fallen in love with him because he was cute, and a bit funny, and because he had the kind of energy Ben wonders if he himself would've adopted without the stifling home environment of his dad. It was inevitable, they way he felt about him. And because of who Ben was it was also inevitable that it would all end in tragedy.

"Hmmm," Ben pretends to consider, though he'd already made his mind up to help as soon as Paul burst through the door. "I suppose I could squeeze you in. It's gonna cost you though."

Paul bursts up and gesticulates wildly. "Thank you. Yes. Anything."

Both Bens shake their head and look away, but when Present Ben looks back up, Paul is gone. His younger self is alone in the garage with bloodied knuckles and a bottle of his dad's whiskey that he doesn't even _like_. Ben swallows, and Pam's grip on his hand tightens. He watches himself flex his knuckles just to make them bleed, then gently wipes the blood away from the tattoo. He has to look away.

"You still blame yourself," Pam states. "You still think if you would've been stronger, tougher-"

"If I'd have left Paul well alone," Ben counters, turning to look at her. "If I'd have fixed Les' car and never spoke to him again." He lets go of her hand and walks over to himself. "If you hadn't been so selfish," he spits at himself, the tears trailing down his cheeks. "He would still be alive!"

"Don't you remember?" Pam asks softly, touching his arm.

He turns to look at her and sees she's holding the calendar from the wall. It's turned to January, and instead of the usual scantily clad woman on the front, it's a picture of he and Paul as he'd fixed the scratch on Les' car. They're laughing together, but Ben forgets the joke. Pam flips the page and its a couple of weeks later in the Queen Victoria Pub. Paul's buying them both drinks that Ben insists he owes him, and Ben is watching from a table behind him, unable to stop the grin that's spread across his face. March, they're stood behind the cafe in the park, stood close together. They're not touching aside from the tip of a finger that Paul's running along Ben's wrist. That single point of contact had set Ben on fire and had him feeling lighter than he had in years for days afterwards. Next they're laughing together over a coffee in the cafe. Next they're sat on Pam's sofa, Paul in Ben's lap, lips pressed together as Ben pushed his hands up below the hem of Paul's t-shirt. Next Ben's holding Paul's hand as a burly tattooed man works on Paul's other. Ben had teased him about how the man was just his type, so Paul had shut him up with a kiss and old him he was purely Ben-sexual these days. Next they're sat around a dinner table with Pam and Les. It looks like an ordinary, respectable dinner, but Paul had rested his hand on Ben's thigh the whole night, slowly running it higher and higher. There's Paul grinning in antlers with Ben in a matching pair looking murderous. There's Ben's arm around Paul's shoulder in the Vic as they both crease up at Jay trying to do Karaoke with Billy. There's the two of them, laying in bed together side by side, wrapped around each other as they both slept peacefully. There's another family dinner, this one the Mitchells. Paul is charming the socks off everyone as he retells stories of his travels. Ben and Phil are sharing a slight smile across the table at one another. It felt like hope. December, they're stood by a tree. Paul is hunched over clutching his side, grinning. The bauble he'd just dropped is by his feet on the floor. Ben has his head thrown backwards in laughter. He'd just tickled Paul's side as he was reaching up the hang the bauble on the tree.

"We didn't even get a year," Ben whispers, staring down at the memory.

"Come on," Pam says, putting the calendar back down. She looks at him sadly. "I wish I could say we were going to somewhere happier."

Ben frowns at her and the garage disappears, replaced by the first flat he lived in when he and Jay moved in together. He frowns. It's maybe two years after Paul's death. Ben scrambles to try and remember what happened here. There's a knock at the door and a younger Ben comes down to answer it. When the door opens Phil steps inside. Both Bens take a deep breath. Phil has always activated their fight or flight.

"What-" Ben begins, but Phil silences him by holding up a small, plastic box. It rattles as he does. Ben frowns.

"It's done," Phil says, letting Ben's eyes linger a moment more on the box before shoving them into his jacket pocket. "No more about it, alright." Ben nods, even though it wasn't a question.

"Luke," Ben in the present whispers.

"You thought you deserved it," Pam reminds him. "You thought it was penance for Paul." Ben huffs an unsteady breath and tries to prevent the tears from falling. "You thought if you were stronger, if you were more of a man, then you'd have been able to stop it." Ben squeezes his eyes shut and balls his hands into fists. "You knew Phil thought the same."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Ben demands, rounding on her. "Why can't I wake up."

Pam raises an unimpressed eyebrow at him. "You don't seriously still think this is a dream, do you Ben?" she asks as the scene fades once more.

It's replaced by a bar, the E20 in Wen's Cross if Ben is not mistaken. He can barely hear himself think over the sound of the music blaring and the constant stream of chatter. It's immediately warmer, which Ben thinks must be because of there being so many bodies cramped into such a tight space. He looks around for Pam but can't see her. He looks around again, but still nothing. People walk by him without even noticing he's there. He tries to barge past people, but they don't see him or feel him and don't get out of his way. He starts turning this way and that to try and find a way through. There are still tears in his eyes from before. He can't breathe. The music's too loud. The lights are too bright. He's freaking out. He-

"Are you alright?" A voice asks. He looks around and there's a tall man standing in front of him. He has too much gel in his hair, his ears stick out, and his eyes squint together as he flashes a smile. He's still one of the most beautiful people Ben has ever seen.

He opens his mouth to answer, but someone else beats him to it. "I am now," his own voice says, and when he turns around he's looking at himself from a year ago. 

"You seem a bit anxious," Callum persists, ignoring the flirting (though Ben now knows he just hadn't realised that that's what it was). "Can I get someone for you?"

Ben the younger merely grins and bats his eyelashes a little (Ben honestly doesn't know how Callum missed the signs) despite the fact that as Ben remembers, he's still on the verge of a complete meltdown. "No, you'll do."

"Do you want to sit down a bit? Maybe somewhere quieter?" Callum asks. Ben snorts a little. It's adorable how clueless he was.

"Alright handsome, you've twisted my arm," Ben teases.

"You were pretty clueless, too," Pam states, appearing at Ben's side with a drink in hand that's a questionable blue colour. She nods at where Callum leads them to a table in the corner and takes a long sip through the straw. "You thought you were just going to pick him up, take him home. You had no idea he'd be so important to you."

They'd spent the rest of the night talking. Callum was fresh out of the army, readjusting to civilian life, looking to train as a counsellor. He was funny without meaning to be, a little shy - which he'd later accredit to Ben being the fittest bloke that had ever given him the time of day - and brutally honest. Mostly, he was just good. A good guy, the first one Ben had really met since Paul, which is perhaps why at the end of the night, instead of taking him to have sex and never speak again, he gave him his number. He let Callum decide. Three days later, after their first date, Ben didn't miss a second opportunity to finally get Callum horizontal. 

"He reminds you of Paul," Pam observes as Ben continues to watch as he and Callum chat through the night in the club. Ben sits just a little too close to him, and the poor bloke doesn't even seem to notice it. "Only better. More. That's why."

Ben frowns at her. "Why what?"

She raises her eyebrows. "I don't just see the long past," she warns.

The scene shifts again and Ben is suddenly looking at a mirror image of himself. He looks around and notes that they're in Callum's flat, equipped with the mismatched Christmas décor Callum's brother had insisted on, the star Lexi had made for the tree, and all the cosy little nicknacks that make the place distinctly Callum's. Ben looks back at himself and sees that he's packing a bag full of his things. That's when it clicks.

" _This_ is what this has all been about?" He asks, rounding on Pam. "This is why you've put me through all that?"

"You put yourself through all that," Pam counters. "Isn't that what you always say."

"I don't understand, Ben," Callum says, coming into the room with tears in his eyes. "Why?"

"You ruin everything. You make everything bad."

"I don't care!" Callum protests. "I don't care that bad things have happened in the past. I'm a big boy, I can handle some skeletons in the closet."

"You think you're poison, so you become poison."

"I don't see why this has to be it for us?" Callum insists, trying to catch Ben's hands, but Ben snatches his away.

"You pity yourself about how you wreck everything without even meaning to, and then you go ahead and ruin everything on purpose."

"I slept with someone else," Ben says. Callum jerks back, stung. "Some guy I met at a bar. That's where I've been all day." Callum frowns and shakes his head. Ben shrugs. He's doing a good job at feigning calm. "We were fun, Callum. That's the truth. But I think the fun's over now. I was just trying to save your feelings."

Callum takes another step back into the kitchen island behind him, and he leans on it for support. He doesn't say anything else as Ben finishes packing his bag. He looks at the star on the tree and considers for a second, but he thinks Callum will probably make better use of it than he will, so he decides to let him keep it. He swings his bag onto his shoulder and looks at Callum who is still frowning, staring at the floor, eyes flicking back and forth as though trying to comprehend. Ben opens his mouth to speak, but decides against it. He leaves without another word, into the night. 

"You broke that poor boys heart to protect yourself."

"I did it for him!" Ben protests. "I did it so he wouldn't get hurt!"

"You hurt him and you left him. You can play the martyr all you want but you did it for yourself."

"No!" Ben argues. The scene around him is beginning to blur and Pam is beginning to fade. "Please," he begs, reaching out for her. "Let me explain! I did for him! Pam! Please! Pam!"

The last word echoes around his own bedroom. He's stood by his bed, the room unchanged from when he'd last been in it. He looks around, frowning in confusion. Surely- Surely that wasn't all just a dream. He's never sleep walked before, but it's like he says, noisy pipes. Maybe this is just another thing he's getting used to again now he's back in his own flat after spending so much time at Callum's. He walks over to the door, hesitates, then slowly presses his hand against it. It doesn't go through. He lets out a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding, then carefully turns the handle and opens it. His living room lays on the other side, the same as it always looks. The bag of his things is still sat on his sofa, taunting him the way it has been for the past three days. He swallows and closes the door on it again. It was just a dream, he realises with a sigh of relief. He presses his forehead against the door and laughs at himself. Of course it was a dream. Pam and a revolving door of memories, none of that could be _real_. 

He turns around and screams. "Lola?" He exclaims, clutching at his chest.

Lola grins at him. " _Just_ like a little girl," she observes with a shake of her head.

Ben huffs. Great. Another one. "Look, Lo, I'm sure you're about to take me on a charming little walk down memory lane right now, but I've had a bit of a weird night and I'm not sure I'm really in the mood." He offers her a sarcastic smile. "Maybe some other time though, yeah?"

Lola shakes her head at him. "Do you really think that's how this works?" Ben stares at her, and she stares back. She raises her eyebrows at him, aggressively. "Well, go on then, we don't have all night."

Ben looks behind him at the door and knows that if he were to go place his hand on it now, it would go right through. He turns back to Lola. "What if I just don't go? What if I just stay here?"

"You have one job, Ben. Don't be a muppet. And you can't even manage that." She sighs, rolls her eyes, and shakes her head. "Nightmare," she mumbles under her breath as she rubs her hands together. 

Unsurprisingly, the interior of Ben's bedroom melts away, and suddenly he's stood in his mum's living room. The whole family is there, his mum and dad, Louise, Jay, Ian, Bobby, Peter, Martin, Bex, Billy and Lola. The only people missing are Ben and Lexi. He looks around the room trying to figure out what year this is. He doesn't remember it. It must be a recent one because everyone looks exactly the same as the last time he'd seen them all.

Lola huffs and stands, poking her head around the stairs. "Lex, come on, Nanna Kath's about to serve dinner." Ben frowns. No, he doesn't remember this at all.

"My bum looks great in those leggings," Lola comments from beside him with a laugh and an open mouth. "I should wear them more often."

"When are we?" Ben asks, aware of the farcical nature of his question, but really it's just been one of those kinds of nights.

"Now," Lola answers, still watching her own backside with her head tilted to the side. "Or, tomorrow. Christmas Day."

Ben's eyebrows furrow. He thought he'd grasped this, the going back and pointing out all his mistakes. He thought he'd understood what this dream - or these memories, or _whatever_ this is - was all about, but now he's back to having no clue. He watches his family around the table. His mum and Ian have put on a lavish feast with a huge, golden turkey and all the trimmings. He notices two empty chairs at the table, and the way his mum's eyes kept flicking to the one closest to her, forlornly. It doesn't take a genius to work out whose seat that was supposed to be. 

There's some stomping on the stairs and then Lexi appears. She's holding the doll that Ben had spent nearly an hour queueing for last week, but there are tears in his eyes. It breaks his heart and he wants nothing more than to rush forward and comfort her, but what he has learned at least is that he can't touch the people here. What's tragic is that for a lot of the around this table, he doesn't feel like he can touch them a the best of times.

"Lex, what's wrong?" Lola asks, cupping her daughter's cheeks and wiping gently at the tears there.

Lexi just thrusts the doll at her. "I don't want it," she pouts.

"Daddy got you that," Lola replies with a shake of her head. "It's the one you wanted."

"I. Don't. Want. It!" Lexi shouts. Then she looks down at the floor and her bottom lip wobbles. "I just want Daddy."

There's a ripple of gaps and exhales from around the table. A lump forms in Ben's throat and Lola appears at his shoulder. She looks at him with her lip curled and daggers in her eyes. "Father of the year," she mocks. "There for the expensive presents, but not to see her open them."

"It's for the best!" Ben argues, turning on her, but as he does the scene changes.

He's no longer in his mum's living room, instead he's in a familiar flat staring at the back of Callum's head. Callum is stood by the tree, shoulders slumped. Ben watches as he reaches out and delicately touches the corner of Lexi's star. His heart breaks even more.

Callum and Lexi had quickly become friends. They had the same disposition, friendly, kind, but underneath it all more strength and determination than Ben could fathom. He'd introduced them by accident one morning when Callum had spent the night at his and it had slipped his mind that Lexi was coming by early the next day. Callum had been mortified that he'd met Ben's daughter whilst in his underwear, and Lexi had asked some less than comfortable questions about why Callum was undressed, but it all been resolved after some chocolate for breakfast that _Mummy must never find out about_. They'd spent the rest of the day colouring, watching terrible kids movies, and Lexi had even managed to rope them both into a tea party. Callum had looked far too cute in his flower crown.

They were both good, that's why they got on. They were both good, and they both tried to see the good in other people, even when it wasn't there. That's why it was for the best for them both if Ben stopped being a part of their lives. He'd still support Lola financially, of course, and still spoil Lexi rotten with presents, but it was better for the lot of them that he stay well away.

"Ben the martyr," Lola sneers. Ben manages to drag his eyes away from Callum long enough to frown at her. "So _selfless_ of you to abandon your family, to break everyone's hearts. You didn't even give him a year." 

Ben opens his mouth to protest, but he's stopped short by Callum's brother, Stuart bursting into the room in an obnoxious Christmas jumper and reindeer antlers singing a terrible rendition of _All I Want For Christmas_. Callum turns around and faces him with a smile, but Ben's known him long enough to see how strained it is. He's forcing it, Ben can tell. And so can Stuart if the way his face falls is anything to go by.

"Come on, Bruv, it's Christmas!" He says, gesturing to his jumper as though the tacky decorations aren't enough of a giveaway.

"Yeah, sorry," Callum replies with a little shake of his head. "I'm just not really feeling very festive this year, I guess."

Stuart sighs, and tilts his head to regard him. "Is this about Ben?" Callum presses his lips together and looks down at where he's scuffing his shoe against the floor. It's all the affirmative Stuart needs. "Cal," he says softly. 

"I know," Callum says, eyebrows quirking. "I know," he repeats, looking up. "I'm better off without him and how could he do that to me and he's not worth my time, you've already said it all." Callum shrugs and looks back down, picking at a loose bit of thread on his t-shirt. "Don't mean it don't still hurt."

Stuart walks forward and pulls Callum into a hug. Ben takes a step forward too, though he knows he can't do anything here. He can't reach out, can't comfort, can't tell Callum that he's much better off this way, that for once his dolt of a brother has made a good point about something. But as he does, the scene changes and suddenly he's looking at a grave in a bitterly cold cemetery. Ben turns to give Lola a quizzical look, but she just raises her eyebrows and nods at the headstone.

Ben turns to look at it, but the name is covered in a layer of frost. Just as he's bending down to see if he can wipe it away, he hears familiar voices. His head shoots up and he watches as Pam and Les, arm in arm, come strolling along the tree-lined walk towards them. This version of Pam looks older than the one that had shown him the past. A few more wrinkles, and a brighter shade of white hair. Les looks just the same, stony faced and sombre as always. They come to a stop right beside where Ben is standing, and it's then that he notices the flowers Pam's holding. She lets go of Les' arm and crouches to wipe at the frost on the headstone with a gloved hand. She lays the flowers down, then kisses her fingers and presses them against the inscription on the stone. Ben hasn't had a clear enough view to read it yet, but he can guess whose it is.

"No Ben?" Les asks, as Pam groans and stands up.

"No," she says taking a step back and taking back hold of Les' arm. "I tried to call Kathy but she said that he wasn't even going to theirs for Christmas day. Cancelled on them the day before."

"I'll never understand that boy," Les says with a sigh.

Pam hums, considering. "He's a good boy, deep down. He was good for Paul."

Ben is still staring at Paul's name on the headstone. It had been a tradition since his death that on Boxing Day he'd take a walk down to see him with Pam and Les. He'd told Callum about it last year, who'd said it was a lovely idea. This year he can't face it. He can't face Pam and Paul knowing what he's done to them both, what he's doing to Callum. It's better they try and forget about him, and move on to try and fix the damage Ben caused.

"Why this year?" Lola asks, standing on Ben's other side. "What happened? Because in the span of one day you've decided that you're going to cut off everyone in your life who you care about." Ben stares at Paul's name and sucks in his cheeks. "Ben?" Lola presses.

"He told me he loves me," Ben replies, finally, voice slightly hoarse.

"Of course Paul loved you," Lola says, confused.

"No," Ben explains, finally tearing his eyes away from the grave to see her eyebrows furrowed together. "Callum." Lola stares at him, mouth dropped open, before she scrunches up her face and slaps him across the back of the head so quickly he doesn't even have time to duck. "Ow!" He exclaims, loudly. "You and your boyfriend really need to calm it with the physical violence," he snaps, rubbing a soothing hand across the back of his head.

"Your amazing boyfriend tells you he loves you and your response is to make up some lie about cheating on him?" Lola asks, incredulous.

"Who says it's a lie?" Ben retorts, defensively, dropping his hand and straightening his spine.

"Because," Lola huffs, "The day you claim to have been off with some other bloke you were with me wrapping Lexi's presents." Ben hums noncommittally, even though it's perfectly clear that he's been caught out. "I don't get you! Callum is amazing. He's funny, good looking, kind-"

"Why don't you date him then?" Ben huffs, frowning at her.

"Because he loves you! And I bet if you weren't being such a stubborn idiot about things, you'd admit that you love him, too!" Lola accuses. "Honestly Ben, throwing away something really good like it's nothing, moping around your flat feeling sorry for yourself, acting like you're doing everyone a favour-"

"Of course I love him!" Ben shouts, just to shut her up if nothing else. "I love him and I love Lexi and my family," he turns and gestures to where Pam and Les are walking back up the path. "I love Pam and I loved Paul! But the people around me get hurt, and usually I'm the reason why. It's better for everyone if I just stay well away."

"Is that what it means to be a man, is it? To be a Mitchell? To turn your back on everyone who cares about you, this family that you love?" Lola huffs a humourless laugh. "You know what Ben, maybe you're right. Maybe you are weak, but that has toss all to do with what happened to Paul or with Luke and everything to do with how pathetic you are."

"I don't need his," Ben turns around so he's facing neither Lola's accusatory glare, nor the headstone which, too, seems to be mocking him. "I don't need any of this."

He stands, panting for a minute, trying to justify in his head what he's doing. It hurts now, himself more than anyone, but it's for the best. In five years Callum'll probably be shacked up with some bloke who's nice and normal and who doesn't come with ten tonne of baggage, and Lexi will be 13, too busy thinking about boys and make-up to worry about her dad. Kathy'll still have Ian to worry after, so she'll not get bored. His dad'll probably be glad to see the back of him, that's for sure. Plus, he's got Denny and Jay - between them they'll be able to make up for the son he always wanted, but never had. And Pam and Les might finally be able to get on with their lives away from the carnage that Ben has caused.

"Five years time, yeah?" A voice asks from behind him. He spins around and sees a man in front of him. He's shorter now, or maybe Ben has just grown, and has grown his hair out into its natural curls, but he still as the same eyes.

"Johnny?" Ben breathes, squinting in confusion.

Johnny pouts. "I'd heard you had a tendency to cry like a girl." He breaks into a good humoured grin. "Shame."

"But-" Ben shakes his head. "What? I-" The sentence dies on his tongue, and he just stands there, gaping.

"There's not a lot of time left," Johnny says, not unkindly. He nods to his left at a tall wall covered in a curtain of ivy. "Five years time?" He repeats, quirking an eyebrow.

"We're in the future?"

Johnny breathes out a laugh. "Now he's beginning to get it."

He walks over to the ivy and pulls it aside. Instead of a wall behind it, there's a warmly lit living room, a comfortable looking sofa sat by a flashing Christmas tree, with tinsel lining the picture rail, and _White Christmas_ playing softly through a low quality speaker. Ben takes a halting step forward, flicks his eyes to Johnny who's smiling encouragingly, then walks with more confidence.

"You're not going to show me my own grave, then?" Ben asks.

"Ah," Johnny exhales as Ben passes him. "That would be telling." He steps in after Ben, and as the ivy drops down it turns into a solid wall with a TV hung on it. "Besides, you don't really care what happens to you," Johnny explains, stopping at Ben's side. "You're selfish like that."

Ben wants to comment on the teasing, but just as he's about to, a guy he doesn't recognise walks into the room, scrolling through his phone. He places it down on the coffee table in the living room, then goes over to the kitchen to flick the kettle on. He gets out two mugs, drops a tea bag in each, then loads one with four heaping sugars. There's only one person Ben knows who can stomach that much sweetness, and as if on cue, Callum walks through the door, doing up the buttons on his shirt as he goes. He presses a kiss to the man's cheek as he passes on the way to the fridge then hands him the milk. A burning pang of jealousy curls through Ben's stomach at the sight, and he has to look away.

"So," the stranger says, resting his hip against the counter. "Christmas day. Your brother is coming here, yeah?"

"Yeah," Callum agrees, finishing his shirt buttons. "He's bringing his girlfriend over too, so it'll be just the four of us."

"Great," the stranger says, smiling. "Proper little family Christmas."

Ben inhales sharply. There's been an invitation for Callum tacked onto the end of his own when his mum had invited him over for Christmas day. He'd declined, because the Beale-Mitchell-Fowler Christmas dinner is a family only event, and he hadn't quite been prepared to use the 'f' word when it came to Callum yet. That felt too much like the kind of real that got the people in Ben's life hurt.

"He's happy, then." Ben says around the lump in his throat as he watches the man hand Callum his tea with a kiss. "He's got a nice, normal relationship, just like I wanted."

Johnny hums, unconvinced. "Check the phone," Johnny says. Ben frowns, but does as he's told, walking over to the coffee table to check the screen. It's blank. He looks up at Johnny for guidance. "Tap it," Johnny offers. Ben does, and as the screen lights up, he sees the list of notifications and gasps. "You deleted your dating apps, didn't you," Johnny says, coming up to look over Ben's shoulder. "You didn't even want anyone else when you had Callum." Benn scrolls through the notifications, seeing the dirty messages and plans to meet up and feels himself filled with a murderous rage. "Come on," Johnny instructs, nudging Ben towards the door with a hand on his lower back as though sensing Ben's intentions. "Much to see."

Just as Ben's about to step through, he spots the star on the tree, and all the air leaves his body like a punch to the gut. Johnny pushes him along and now he's stood in a familiar living room - his mum's. It's decorated the way it has been every Christmas since time began, and the smell of dinner cooking wafts through from the kitchen. Ben looks at the table and frowns when he sees how few chairs are placed around it. His mum comes out of the kitchen in an awful elf apron, placing wine glasses in people's seats. Ian comes plodding downstairs and takes a look around the table.

"This it?" He asks, pulling his head back.

"Yeah," Kathy says, looking between the table, Ian, then back. "Me, you, Bobby and Rida."

"Oh yeah, she's coming isn't she," Ian mumbles turning back to his phone as he goes over to throw himself into the armchair with a sigh.

"Yes she is," Kathy admonishes. "And you'd better be nice to her because Bobby really likes her."

"They don't even celebrate Christmas!" Ian protests, "Now what's that all about."

Kathy just sighs and shakes her head. "They're coming here for us, Ian. Alright? So be nice," she says, tapping him on he back of the head and handing him a stack of napkins to fold.

"She's fine," Ben observes. "She's completely normal."

"Is she?" Johnny asks, and nods as she goes back into the kitchen.

Ben furrows his eyebrows but follows her as prompted. Inside she's playing _Fiarytale of New York_ and making mash potatoes. Ben watches as she hums along to the song and grabs the cheese out of the fridge. She rips it open, starts grating it into the mash, then stops suddenly, looking down at what she's done. She slams the cheese down onto the side, grabs the bowl, and throws the contents violently into the bin. She stares at it for a moment, before taking her foot off the pedal and allowing the lid to close. She takes a long inhale of breath, rolling her eyes back to fight off tears. She reaches for a glass of wine that's sat on the side and takes two long glugs. She places it down just as carelessly as the cheese then switches the music off.

"It's only me who eats cheesy mash," Ben realises.

"Five years time, remember," Johnny says pointedly. He jerks his head in the direction of the back door. Ben stares at him a moment, considering just refusing, but that hasn't worked once for him tonight, so he just goes with a sigh. "Time's running out."

They step out of his mum's kitchen into a pub. Ben recognises it as the Queen Victoria, his dad's local for as long as he can remember, and his own for a short while, too. As they step through the door, he spots his dad at the bar, nursing a pint while the land lady looks one with pursed lips and a serious case of dead eye, before shaking her head and walking to the other end of the bar to serve another customer.

"Dad," Ben protests, rushing over, even though he knows no one here can see, let alone hear him. He just shakes his head disappointed.

"Oi," Someone from across the bar calls. "Mitchell. I want a word with you."

Phil swings his head laboriously to the side to look at whose talking to him. He grunts when he sees who it is and swings his head to look back at his pint. Ben feels sick just watching him and takes a reflexive step backwards. The guy from the bar storms over, at least 6 foot and made of pure muscle. He dwarfs Phil in comparison, and Ben's eyebrows knit together as he watches the scene unfold.

The man pokes a thick finger into Phil's shoulder. "You sold me a dodgy motor," the man accuses.

"I ain't-ain't not know nothing," Phil slurs. "Nnnnnnnn... bugger off a-a-" He swallows hard, head falling forward a little. "'Am trying- drink."

Ben feels the tears prickle behind his eyes. He hasn't seen his dad in a state like this for years, and he'd forgotten how awful it was for him to watch. The man grabs hold of Phil's shirt collar, and at the same time Ben jolts forward to stop him, the landlord hurries over and holds out a hand between them. The man looks like he considers maybe just decking the land lord, too, but chooses against it, letting Phil go with a low growl, and walking back over to join his mates at the other end of the bar. The landlord regards Phil with something like disgust before going over and pressing a kiss to his wife's head, and serving the next customer.

"Is this the man you strive to be like," Johnny asks. "Someone who loves the drink more than he could ever love you." It's the cruellest thing Johnny's said all night, and Ben turns around, shocked. Johnny just raises an eyebrow at him. "Do you ever wonder what would've happened if you hadn't hit me that day?" Ben looks away, sheepishly. Johnny points at the bar where the land lord and land lady are giggling as they kiss under some mistletoe, and then from the archway behind them, Johnny appears looking exactly like he does before Ben now.

"Right, we're off," that version of Johnny says, giving the woman a kiss on her rouged cheek. "Thank you both for a wonderful Christmas. I'll give you a ring when we're back safe."

"Yes," Another man agrees, stepping out alongside Johnny and wrapping his arm around his waist. "It was good. I am thanking you very much."

"Well you're both very welcome," The woman says with a smile. She squeezes Johnny's cheeks and he scoffs, pushing her away. "My little boy is always welcome here, he knows that. And, with such wonderful continentalcompany.""

"Mum, stop it," Johnny protests, turning his head into the other man's shoulder, who just looks on with a slightly uncomfortable smile.

"Drive safe, yeah," the landlord says, scratching his chin. "And maybe just drop a text when you're back. You'll never get her off the blower otherwise." They all laugh as the land lady protests this, mouth open wide in a caricature of indignation. 

"Doesn't look like you're doing too bad," Ben observes as the man leans in to press a kiss to Johnny's temple, hand tensing where it's resting on Johnny's abdomen. 

"Yeah, now," Johnny explains. "But there were some really dark days. I shut myself off from everyone for a long time. I tried dating this amazing woman who didn't deserve to be used like she was because I was in denial. I couldn't tell the difference between passion and violence for longer than I'd like to admit. I pushed away my family, lost my friends." He turns to look pointedly at Ben. "And all because the boy I liked was so desperate to be loved by a man who was never worth his time."

Ben looks at Phil long enough to see him flinch at the display Johnny and his boyfriend are putting on, and those words from a million years ago about _flouting it about_ echo in his mind like a cruel taunt. Ben has always wondered if he thought the same about he and Paul, if he thought what happened to Paul was justified because they'd had the audacity to be in love in the open. Just as Ben is about to defend himself, the scene blurs. The pub melts away and instead he's left standing, looking at a questionable looking street in the dead of night. He shoots Johnny a confused look, and Johnny just looks impassively back.

"Lexi!" Ben hears called. He looks up to see a girl with a mess of blonde hair, storming down the street. Lola, but a Lola without the neon wardrobe and bleached hair, stands behind her at a gate from one of the terrace houses.

"I hate you!" The girl shouts back over shoulder, and picks up her pace as she storms down the street. As she passes, Ben notes the tears in her eyes, and the way she's pulling a too thin jacket closer around herself.

"Lex," Ben breathes, watching her march up the street.

"It'll be okay," Jay's voice says from behind them, and when Ben turns around he sees Jay cradling a baby to his body. Lola leans into him and he presses a kiss to her hairline. "She's just acting out. Kids do."

Ben turns to look back up the street at where Lexi had gone, and when he does he's inside a club. People are grinding against one another left right and centre, drinking questionable looking drinks. He spots one guy place a tablet on the tongue of a scantily clad woman, before pulling her closer. Ben pulls a face and looks around. He sees Johnny standing on a raised platform above the dance space. He lifts his hands in question, and Johnny nods at a space behind Ben. He turns around and sees Lexi sat in a booth next to some guy who looks like he's Ben's age. Their bodies are suspiciously close together, and when some dancing guy shifts, he sees the man at the table as his hand on Lexi's thigh. Inhaling sharply, Ben makes a run towards them as Lexi leans in to kiss the man. He reaches the table and lunges at the man but falls straight through them both, and lands with a thump on the floor. He scrambles to his feet and looks around to find he's back in his bedroom. Johnny is sat on his bed with his legs crossed.

"What he hell!" Ben roars. "What was all that for? Why show me if I can't do anything about it!"

Johnny tilts his head and regards him. "To show you that there are worse people than you in the world, Ben Mitchell."

Ben begins pacing, adrenaline coursing through him. He turns back to his bed and slams his fist into the bed post. "Is that what happens then? Callum dates some bloke who cheats, my mum misses me, my dad stays exactly the same and Lexi-" He trails off, shuddering.

"Perhaps," Johnny replies, annoyingly calm. 

"Perhaps?" Ben echoes. "It's a yes or no question."

Johnny stands up and walks towards him. He stops when they're face to face. "You're abandoning your family because you're scared you'll hurt them. You think you poison the people you love. You haven't stopped to consider everyone else who wants to hurt them." Johnny shrugs. "You're not there to make sure Lexi isn't talking to older men in bars, or that your dad stays on the wagon, that your mum is looked after, or that Callum doesn't end up with a revolving door of men who treat him like rubbish until he eventually stops being the nice, loving, kind bloke you know and love and becomes like you."

"No," Ben protests, shaking his head and stepping around Johnny. "No, I wouldn't let that happen. I love Lexi more than my own life, I'd never let her get hurt like that!"

Johnny raises his eyebrows at him. "Wouldn't you?" He asks, and then shoves him hard until he falls back on the bed.

Suddenly his eyes snap open. He's in bed, under his covers, panting and sweating, heart pounding in his chest. He squints at the clock next to his bed and sees the date and time - 9.00 am, Friday 25th December 2020. Ben sucks in a breath as he lays back down on the bed. It was just a dream. All of it, one horrible, bizarre dream. Still, he opens one eye to peer at the pattern on the ceiling, just in case. It's totally blurry without his contacts, so he reaches out for his glasses. Just as he's about to put them on he sees that they're snapped in half. He bolts upright on the bed, staring at the broken frame and panting again. It couldn't have been real. None of it. Could it?

He looks back at the clock, 9.03 am, Friday 25th December 2020. It's Christmas day. It's Christmas day _this year_. In a few hours, his family are going to sit around a dinner table ready to eat without him, and his daughter is going to cry because he's not there. Well, not on his watch. He throws the duvet off himself and runs to his bathroom to shower. It's a bit too hot when he gets in, but he's in a rush anyway so he's not bothered. He washes and gets out and sees that the mirror has steamed up. He wipes it off with a hand and his eyes widen when he sees Jay, Pam, Lola and Johnny in the reflection. He snaps his head around to see behind him, but there's no one there, and when he turns back to face the mirror they're gone. He chuckles a little to himself, and rushes to get dressed.

He grabs a wrapped box from inside his sock drawer before he leaves - an extra present he's not yet delivered - and then he's off out of the house. It's a nightmare trying to find a cab this time of the morning on Christmas day, but eventually he finds one driven by some Polish guy called Filip who spends the whole car ride talking about how happy his son had been with the bike he'd given him the day before. Ben's feeling particularly charitable this morning, so he pays twenty for an eleven quid journey and lets Filip keep the change.

He takes a deep breath as he stand outside his mum's house, preparing himself mentally. Then, he walks up to the front door and knocks. He can hear the commotion inside, everyone talking over each other and some terrible pop cover of Slade playing the the background, with Ian's voice overlaying all of it talking about being careful and watching the furniture. Ben waits almost a minute before his mum appears at the door. She frowns when she sees him.

"Room for a little one?" He asks sheepishly, rocking back on his heels.

Her stony expression remains so long that he worries he may have already burned this bridge, but then she grins at him. "Ooo, go on then," she teases, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to lead him into the house. "Look who managed to get out of bed after all!" Kathy calls as they step into the living room.

"Daddy!" Lexi exclaims, abandoning the gift she's unwrapping and launching herself into his arms. He catches her easily. "I already opened the doll you got me. Thank you! I love it!"

"That's quite alright, Princess," Ben replies, pressing a kiss to her temple. Over the top of her head he sees Lola nod at him approvingly. "Nice leggings," he mouths at her, and chuckles about at her confused expression. 

He sets Lexi back down and sits on the floor next to her whilst she opens the rest of her presents. She gets more toys than even she knows what to do with, as well as a bunch of clothes that, judging by Lola's less than impressed reaction to them, will probably never be seen again. He shakes his head at her fondly, then volunteers to find a black bag to shove all the wrapping paper into once they lose visibility of the carpet.

Whilst Ben is in the kitchen, he's joined by his dad who closes the door behind them. He immediately tenses. "I wanted to talk to you about something," his dad says, standing by the door with his hands on his haps.

"Oh yeah," Ben replies, feigning a casual demeanour as he searches through the drawers without really looking. 

"Yeah," Phil says. "I wanted to talk about a job I'm planning."

Ben freezes half way through his search in one of the drawers and bites his lip. "Right," he says, his voice losing some of its light air.

"I wanted to know if you were interested."

Ben bites down even harder on his bottom lip, then releases it and exhales, pulling the roll of black bags out of the drawer. "Of course I'll help if you need me to," Ben answers, turning to him and he sees his dad almost smile. "But I'm not getting my hands dirty, I've got too much to lose."

Phil jerks his head back and furrows his eyebrows. "So that's a no?"

"That's a I'll help if you need it, but I'm not risking this," he replies, nodding at the door behind which his daughter is squealing in delight at something she's just opened. "Sorry," he adds, suddenly feeling very small under Phil's gaze.

He makes to go back into the living room but is stopped by Phil's hand on his arm. "I think you're making the right decision," Phil says, and the praise sounds awkward at best. ben jerks a nod. "Family is the most important thing."

After presents, they all take a seat around the table as Kathy brings in the turkey. It's cooked to perfection, as is everything around the table, and they all eat until they feel like they're going to be sick. Bex and Lola help Kathy clear the table whilst Ben goes outside with Martin, Bobby, Billy and Lexi to play with the drone Bobby had been gifted. Louise pops out half an hour or so later once they've all had a go with it to tell them that dessert is ready. 

They eat and they laugh, they tease each other about silly things. Inevitably they bicker. Ian and Martin get into a pretty heated debate over Brexit and inflation, and Ben and Jay argue about whether or not the season finale of Game of Thrones was even really that bad until Kathy has had enough and tells the both of them to shut it. It's nice, Ben thinks as he looks around at all these people he loves, being around family is nice. He can't believe he nearly passed this up.

"Right then," Kathy says once the dessert plates are washed and the table is cleared. "Shall we play a game?"

"Sorry, Mum, I've got to be somewhere," Ben replies, thinking of the box that's still in his jacket pocket.

"It's Christmas day," Kathy protests. "What's so important?"

"I, uh," he feels himself begin to heat up, no doubt going red under the scrutiny of everyone's gazes. "I'm gonna go see Callum. See if I can sort things out."

"You've finally stopped being a muppet, then?" Jay asks from where he's sprawled out on the sofa, Lola laying half on top of him.

"Yeah," Ben agrees with a small smile, "Figured I'd finally take your advice."

"Alright then," Kathy acquiesces, "But- Here Ben, take some of these left overs." She ducks into the kitchen and comes out with a stack of tupperware boxes.

"Mum, I can feed myself, you know," Ben huffs as the boxes are shoved into his arms.

"I know, but we've got loads here and no one else'll eat the cheesy mash." Kathy protests. 

Ben looks at her a moment and is filled with immeasurable warmth. "I love you," he says, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She just grins back and winks at him.

Carting the tupperware about, even in the carrier bag his mum finds for him, he feels like a bit of a prat. Still, he makes his way straight from his mum's to Callum's flat. He's even more nervous standing on the threshold of this place, especially given the last time he was here. Well, the last time he was _really_ here. He remembers how he'd stood here clutching at his bag and fighting off tears doubting if he'd made the right decision, and now he's back doing almost the same thing. He remembers the jealousy and regret that had boiled in his stomach seeing Callum with the man at the other flat, and manages to lift his hand and knock. There's no response for a long time, and just as he's about to lift his hand and knock again, Stuart appears in the doorway. He frowns as soon as he sees it's Ben, eyes taking on a hard glare.

"What do you want?" He demands, voice low, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Is Callum in?" Ben asks, trying to peer around Stuart and hopefully catch a glimpse.

"I told you you'd break his heart," Stuart spits, and Ben remembers the conversation well as Stuart had thrown at him all the reminders of his own failings that he'd thought of himself the last time he was here. "I said you'd hurt him."

"Stu, who is it?" Callum asks, rounding the corner. He freezes when he sees Ben, and Ben takes a sharp inhalation of breath as their eyes meet.

"He was just leaving," Stuart says over his shoulder, not taking his eyes off Ben.

"No," Callum says, sounding incredibly tired. "It's alright, cheers Stu. You can get off now, if you want. Go see Rainie."

Stuart frowns at him. "Bruv, I don't think that's a good idea."

Callum shakes his head. "It's alright, I'll be fine."

Stuart looks like he's about to refuse again, but he must see the same resolve on Callum's face that Ben does because he goes back inside and grabs his coat off the hook, and an obnoxious red gift bag from by the living room door. He gives Ben one last dangerous stare before wishing his brother a Merry Christmas and heading out. There's only a few feet of space between Ben and Callum who takes Stuart's place by the door, but it feels like miles and miles and miles. 

"So," Callum says, breaking the silence but not the tension. "What do you want?"

"I want to give you this," Ben replies, reaching into his pocket and wrestling out the little box one handed. He hands it over to Callum who looks at it uncertainly. "Well open it then," Ben pushes, nodding at it.

Callum frowns but does as he's told, pulling at the bow and then peeling back the wrapping paper. He puts them both on the table he keeps next to the door, then lifts the lid off the box. He gasps when he sees what's inside. Delicately, he pulls out the dog tag and watches in awe as it rotates in the air between them. On the one side is Ben's information, and on the other is St George's Cross.

"I know you have Chris', so I wanted you to have mine, too," Ben replies. The same day he'd bought this, he also bought a crate of beer and a Lynx set as an emergency gift when he inevitably lost his nerve to hand this over. Both of those ended up going to Jay.

Callum exhales shakily and when he looks up at Ben there are tears in his eyes. "Why are you doing this?" He asks, sounding so broken, a lump rises in Ben's throat. "Just days ago you told me you slept with someone else and now this?"

Ben swallows thickly and replies, "I lied. There was no one else, but I knew if I didn't hurt you then you wouldn't take no for an answer."

Callum's eyebrows bunch together and he tilts his head. "You lied? You hurt me on purpose?"

"Yes but listen," Ben replies quickly as Callum drops the chain back into the box and puts the lid back on it. "Listen," he repeats as he takes a step back when Callum tries to force the box onto him. "I was scared, alright? I was scared because I haven't felt this way about anyone since Paul, and then you went and said what you said-"

"That I love you," Callum says, as though to prove that unlike Ben, he's not afraid of the words.

"Right. And I just thought about how things had gone with Paul, how he'd gotten hurt and how that had been all my fault. Callum-" He's frantic now, rushing forward to stop Callum from closing the door in his face. "Callum please. I'm so sorry. It was the only way I could think of to keep you safe from me! If something were to happen to you I'd die and I couldn't-" he can barely speak around the tears now. "I couldn't go through that again."

Callum presses his lips together, frowning, and rubs at his nose. "So why now? What's changed?"

Ben doesn't even know where to begin with that one, because realistically, nothing has changed. It's just that everything is so much clearer now. "I guess I realised that I love you too, and that that was enough for me to want to try anyway, even if I do get you hurt, or even if you hurt me." He shrugs as nonchalantly as he can, even as he feels his world start to crumble at the seams. "I love you," he repeats.

There's a long break of silence and then Callum asks tentatively, "You didn't sleep with anyone else?"

"No," ben replies quickly. "No one. I wouldn't even want to. I just want you."

Callum closes his eyes at the words, grip tightening on the box in his hand. When he opens them again, there's a lot more of the softness Ben recognises in them. "I don't know if I can forgive you," he starts, and Ben thinks that's fair. If their roles were reversed, he's not sure he could forgive Callum, either. "But," Callum continues, "I think I'm willing to try." Ben exhales softly, and feels himself breaking into a timid grin. "There's a lot we would have to talk about thought," Callum adds, seriously, and Ben nods, willing to agree to almost anything. "And you'd have to promise not to do anything this stupid again."

"Never," Ben answers easily, taking some cautious steps forward.

"Okay," Callum breathes.

"Okay?" Ben replies, their faces barely inches apart.

"Okay." Callum agrees, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Ben's lips.

The next morning Ben dresses in a rush and forgoes the time consuming attempt to find a cab, opting instead to order an Uber. Despite the rush and the car, he's still nearly ten minutes late arriving at the cemetery, and by the time he reaches Paul's grave, Pam and Les are already there, arm in arm, having laid a bouquet of flowers on the dirt by the headstone.

"Sorry," he says once he reaches them. "I overslept."

"Ben," Pam greets warmly, placing her hands on his shoulders. "You came!"

"'Course," Ben replies and nods at the headstone, "Can't have him spending Christmas alone, it's his favourite holiday!"

They stand by the grave reminiscing for a while, laughing about the kinds of antics Paul would get up to at Christmas. He fondly recalls reindeer antlers and tree decorations, giving Pam's hand a squeeze for good measure. After Pam starts shivering, they decide to start walking back to the car so she can warm up. Pam kisses her fingertips and places them against Paul's name before taking Les' arm and walking back up the path to the car park. Ben lingers a moment longer to nod at him, and smiles. He knows Paul would be happy for him, glad that he'd found someone like Callum to look after him.

As if sensing he's thinking about him, as he begins trailing after Pam and Les up the path, his phone rings. He fishes it out of his pocket and answers when he sees Callum's contact pop up. "Hiya," he greets, smiling despite himself.

"Hiya yourself," Callum replies. "I was just wondering if you fancied a take out and a film tonight, or are you sick of me already?"

"Never. Sounds perfect. I'll pick up a Chinese on my way back?" Ben offers, coming to a stop just short of Pam and Les when they reach their car.

"Alright," Callum agrees. He pauses for a long moment before saying, "I love you."

Ben huffs a tiny laugh. "Love you too," he replies, the hangs up.

Pam is looking at him with raised eyebrows and a tilted head when he turns back to the car. "And who would that be?" She asks expectantly, hands on her hips.

Ben clears his throat and looks down at his phone, feeling his face heat up. "Callum," he replies. "My boyfriend."

She gasps and steps towards him to squeeze his cheeks. "Well then, I think you'd better come back to ours for a cup of tea and tell us all about him."

"You'll like him," Ben promises. "He's good." Pam just winks at him and squeezes his hand before climbing into the car. Even Les offers him a small smile before Ben climbs into the back.

It's not a complete fix. He knows he and Callum still have a lot to talk about, and he's not entirely convinced that he won't still mess everything up. But for now, this is a step in the right direction, and he has Callum by his side as he takes it. That feels like maybe he's getting on with his life. It feels like maybe they all can.

**Author's Note:**

> this is way longer than anticipated. like. WAY longer, so thanks you if you read it all!!
> 
> this is perhaps the least festive version of a christmas carol in existence, and i can't decide if i'm proud of that or not. 
> 
> i did try to add some comic relief in places, but i feel like try is the operable word.
> 
> thanks to everyone whose taken part in or run the advent calendar, it's been fun all things considered, and some really great works have come out of it!
> 
> anyway, if you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there's something you think i forgot to tag! i'm really not sure about the rating?
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because school is so hard (or, i guess, uni now, lol), but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumblr: @maddy-does
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


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